The worst version of me

I have become her

The one I hate

She has been hidden for so long

She has emerged

Again

Now

Why now

I remember her

She is horrible

Quick to react

Even faster to anger

She makes me hate myself

That hatred feels like burning hot whisky down my throat

She is hateful

Seething with black dark unforgiving love

Her guilt makes it impossible to sleep

Tossing

Turning

Trying to figure out how to make things right

Praying for forgiveness

For knowledge

Comfort

I hate her

She makes me ugly

Unlikeable

To me even

She makes me want to slit my wrists snd get a one way ticket out of here

I hate that she has taken so much of my life already

6 years and a bit more

Now this

She has resurfaced

Like a friend cut off at the first sign of peer pressure

She turns me into a monster

Rearing it’s ugly diseased head

Taking days

Even weeks to calm down

She enjoys this

Control

Grabbing me right in the middle of my chest

Pulling me towards the darkness

And I just give in

So weak

Trying to fight but she has a hold on me

Like 10 people holding me

Too tight

Unable to breathe

She takes over as I try to live

She brings out the ugly in me

The ugliest part of me

I need to find the off button

I don’t like being this ugly

7 thoughts on “The worst version of me

    1. Am really trying my hardest but it’s like the aftertaste of vomit………going to take a few rinses with mouth wash to get that nasty taste out
      Thank you for the kind words though – helps to know that someone cares

      1. I find myself getting in those funks too. It helps me to get up early before my kids and have a little time with God with my coffee in the morning. It gives me a sense of calmness and I feel prepared for dealing with my kids all day! ha Another thing that encourages me is KLOVE radio. You can stream online at klove.com It’s impossible for me to stay in a bad mood or feel like I’m not good enough when I listen.
        I send you some hugs tonight 🙂

        1. You’ve got me in tears at work ?
          Definitely a hard day
          Feeling super down
          But thank you
          For your kind words
          Only reason why I am not walking out of work is because they would want to know why
          God bless you

  1. I don’t know if my comment posted….
    Hang in there momma. We all go through days like we feel like we have failed our kids. Each day we have the opportunity to start fresh. Use tomorrow as a chance to not let the anger control your day!

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