I am not me when I am me

I don’t know what I mean by that but what prompted that odd title and this non sensical post is a picture

Taken by my child

Of me

Driving

Most possibly the worst looking picture of me ever

Like this, a realisation, is what I look like

Normally. To people. Outside

Not acceptable! I know I should be preaching #lovemybody blah blah blah but hot damn! I was shocked to see this picture. It was funny at first and then after looking at it again and again, all I thought was “ugh, is this REALLY what I look like?”

The answer was yes and I am not happy with the answer

Recently I have started what promises to be a 5 – 6 month long journey with a company called HerbalFix.

I

I am an introvert so naturally hesitated to meet the owner of said company but as my last brave act of 2017, we met up, she handed me the sample product with an additional 2 boxes as giveaway + a 30% discount for any of my followers. Not long after we met, I forgot what she said and had to ask for the instructional video which was a #GodSend

I started using HerbalFix and apart from a few bodily dysfunctions, I’ll tell you about the time I shat myself in another post, I felt lighter. Skeptical me didn’t believe the product would work but so far so good

Top pic was day 1 of HerbalFix. Bottom pic was after a week of using the product

If you’d like to win the 2 boxes of HerbalFix just follow my blog via email or however else you’re able to follow

If you already follow my blog, just comment and I’ll find you in my list of followers (you guys are jotted down somewhere)

I am not me when I am me

I don’t know what I mean by that but what prompted that odd title and this non sensical post is a picture

Taken by my child

Of me

Driving

Most possibly the worst looking picture of me ever

Like this, a realisation, is what I look like

Normally. To people. Outside

Not acceptable! I know I should be preaching #lovemybody blah blah blah but hot damn! I was shocked to see this picture. It was funny at first and then after looking at it again and again, all I thought was “ugh, is this REALLY what I look like?”

The answer was yes and I am not happy with the answer

Recently I have started a what promises to be a 5 – 6 month long journey with a company called HerbalFix.

I am an introvert so naturally hesitated to meet the owner of said company but as my last brave act of 2017, we met up, she handed me the sample product with an additional 2 boxes as giveaway + a 30% discount for any of my followers. Not long after we met, I forgot what she said and had to ask for the instructional video which was a #GodSend

I started using HerbalFix and apart from a few bodily dysfunctions, I’ll tell you about the time I shat myself in another post, I felt lighter. Skeptical me didn’t believe the product would work but so far so good

If you’d like to win the 2 boxes of HerbalFix just follow my blog via email or however else you’re able to follow

If you already follow my blog, just comment and I’ll find you in my list of followers (you guys are jotted down somewhere)

Oh, hi there!

Here’s why I am awake at 4am on a Saturday morning. Not for the preggers or the child who does not sleep through the night but family. No, we’re not braai’ing or having festivities. We are fighting. The good old fight. I won’t mention names, of course but just know that I am speaking as an innocent and mostly confused bystander.

I got woken up by yelling. Lots of it, with a few cuss words thrown in their aswell. Now, I don’t mind the cussing because come on!, but I did feel like this fight was uncalled for and perhaps a show of one’s true emotions.

If you cannot love me through the dark, because we do not love me when my light shines.

Do not stay with me because becoming a statistic is so cliche, but rather stay with me because the love you felt the very first day you saw me still runs through your veins.

Love me at worst, treat me better at mine.

Isn’t there a saying , “fight fire with fire

Now, is the saying telling you to attack using the same amo or not?

Anyway, whatever. It doesn’t matter. What matters is this. I am an eavesdropper. I love eavesdropping. It’s a thing. Let’s all not do it in 2018. It is my thing. Now leave it alone and see what else I have to say.

My last relationship was over 5 years ago. Even though it was toxic and hurt in ways only seen now, we were never horrible to each other. Well, I was a cunt in the beginning. He was a twat. We took a small break but when we came back together we were better for it. Because we LOVED each other. I don’t ever think love was the problem. We never mistreated the other person and no matter how we felt or what kind of day we had, there was always respect. We drank together, like a handful of times but things never got out of hand. Things never escalated because we were always open and honest with each other, in our sober state. We had the kind of friends who didn’t ask dumb questions to get the other person riled up. We had friends that were respectful and who loved us, to some degree. I know that I will never act in a disrespectful way to my partner but after being witness to the travesty of tonight for 6 years now, I’m not so sure I even want to be in the same room as those people.

You should never allow anyone to speak to you like that. You should also not lower yourself to their level and react to them like. Be the bigger person. It is hard but you’ll thank yourself for it later.

You Deserve More

I am proud of you
You need to know that
Not that you don’t know that already but as Facebook keeps on regurtitating memories upon my sad soul
I can’t help but become emotional and sentimental about how small you once were
I often joke that you would stay small and get back in my belly; then atleast I’d have a real reason for having this big rolling mag
You deserve more than this life
More than feeling less than
You deserve love and happyness
Endless bounds of it
I wish I could give it to you all
The knowledge to not follow that boy to the ends of the Earth but also the knowledge that you have to make mistakes and get hurt to learn
You deserve more than mediocre, because you, my love are worth 1 hundred million thousand
You deserve only the sunshine, even peaking through the dark stormy clouds
You deserve to be loved immensely and then hurt deeply
The good and alot of the bad
Knowing that at any minute you can turn around and I’ll be right there
Being your mother makes me proud
You being my child makes me proud
If “Mother” is the only title I ever have in this earthly life, I am ok with that
No matter what other’s say
You dear Zineah have brought so much joy into the life of others’
You are loved beyond compare
By people you don’t even know
You deserve more than the little love I have to give
Because of you, I am who I am
Proud
A Mother
A Provider
I love you Zineah

May you never forget that

The word “Coloured” and why I hate it

Recently my family and I have started this ritual, in the spirit of being healthy; we try to walk a few times a wekk. A 30 minute walk / jog. It’s fun. I sweat. I pain. It’s for a good cause though (you’d understand if you ever saw in the light). But this post is not about the eternal train of wanting – to – lose – weight, this is about the ever popularised and overused term; “Coloured”

To say I identify as a Coloured would only be because that is what I have been told and from the area I have been raised; “Coloured” is the first and most natural bracket I have been put into.

I have been called

  • too white for Mitchells Plain
  • too sturvy because I am unfamilar with the wordings of my people

People have even gone as far as to say, “Are you sure?” when I tell them I have lived my entire life in the thriving drug and gang stricken community of “The Plain”

Do I get offended when I hear the term “Coloured”? NO

I do however, hate it and all the negative conotations associated with that ACI status

I am not white

I am not black

I am Coloured

  • Low level
  • Crass
  • Unintelligent

This not only what people say but how people look at me, I see the judgement in your eyes and that version of Coloured infuriates me

As soon as I loudly identify as Coloured; without a second thought I get asked to perfom stranger CCA’s (Coloured Circus Acts)

  • speak like one of them
  • say something Coloured

And then, what words do you use?

The favourite and one they always look forward to is PK

*please note that at the time of these CCA’s, I worked for a predominantly white owned company (I am not racist, just stating the facts) where it was of unheard of to still be calling your parents “Mommy” and “Daddy”, to still be living at home at 25 and to be living somewhere other than Claremont / Rondebosch

The term “Coloured” irks me even though we have Youngsta, Paxtion Fielies, Wayde van Niekerk and Craig Lucas (he is Coloured, right?) ; the sort of low level Coloureds or non TV Coloureds are still seen as kak

I am a proud Coloured girl from the Plain

I am not proud of the filthy language we use, the way we are so easily mocked and how we willingly make clowns of ourselves

I am a proud Coloured girl with a mom hailing from Lavender Hill and a dad from Manenberg

I am not proud of the way we are exploited and how the term “Coloured” is so loosely thrown around like the tik injected into our children’s veins

I am a proud Coloured girl always being told “you’re too white for Mitchells Plain but too coloured for Constantia” , as if that was some sort of compliment

I am not proud because I a writing this

Admitting that I am offended by the term “Coloured”, the term i so closely relate to; is not a good thing

Leaves me as if I am not apart of anything

As f I don’t belong

It is not a proud moment but as I bowed my head in shame when, what I assume was a drug laden gent, shouted across the field “Fiekie jou naai”; I realised that that version of Colouredness, although colourful #punright is not the version of Coloured I have ever wanted to be associated with

Perhaps it is because I am my harshest critic and worst judge

<when the one rotten apple lies in the basket too long: do we also turn brown on the inside?>