Good Morning everyone
So,I think today warrants a blogpost BECAUSE it was my moms 50th birthday party yesterday and it shed some might needed light on where I am right now.
Now,needless to say – we ALL pretend to be happy at some point in life and I think that is an all consuming factor of my life.
Now,on to the serious stuff. Get your coffee and maybe a biscuit,or atleast something to nibble on. Are you ready?
I went on a date recently and it was fuckin amazing – well atleast thats what I thought and thats the vibe I got. Its not like he was saying “No” or being totally distant. I mean this dude even made plans for THREE other dates. Short story short – haven’t heard from him since and I am absolutely shocked and disgusted. Here I thought he was a decent oke and then like fuckin nuclear radio silence bra!!!!!!!!
It’s made me do ALOT of thinking. It’s going to be the big day for me soon and I have realised ALOT of things about my life. Of course, there are some things I just knew and chose not to acknowledge.
1. I pretend to be happy because it’s much easier than having to try and explain why I feel so empty on the inside
2. I try to find a deeper/higher meaning, spiritually,and I constantly fall short which is frustrating because that is something I yearn for and ultimately NEED in my life
3. I am NOWHERE near where I want to be in my life. I’m nearing the ‘big’ 30 and I am on a slow train ride to fuckupsville,of my own accord.
Now,this and a few other things that have slipped my mind (Murphy’s Law), have made me realise a few things.
1. I miss being being with something. That is where my feeling of loneliness and aloneness comes from. I miss that companionship. Ultimately,that’s what the date provided and like a texting/calling psyho I wanted to hold onto that.
2. I need to move on from my past,every inch of it. Focus on the here and now. Start building my empire. Stop thinking about the negatives and stop thinking SO DAMN SMALL.
3. Be happy and not this fake shit that I’ve seem to master over the years. I only have a few good things and a few is better than nothing. Be happy,for the small stuff and go on and fuckin appreciate man!!!!!!
4. Laugh! Oh gosh I love laughing but I hardly have something to laugh at or someone to laugh with.
5. Get over it. Destroy what is trying to kill you. I KNOW that contradicts the first line but it’s not as sinister as it sounds.
6. Face facts,and reality. I might be alone for a really long time and by the time I want another child (30), I might still be alone and that’s ok.
To recap – date was awesome and I thought that maybe this would be it. I am on a mission to build a fuckin awesome empire. Everything will be ok. Be happy,purely. Enjoy it – this life. It’s not easy to do,especially if you have a toddler, but act like a child. Laugh and for a while,stop caring.
On a note to myself – it will happen. Be patient and stop trying to control everything. Loneliness is not such a bad thing…….sometimes.