Doubt You Even Noticed

I didn’t tell you about the time I wanted to punch you in the tit because I also just needed to have my voice be heard

I didn’t tell you about the time I wanted to scream because everyone kept looking through me

Let me tell you now;

I waited and waited to tell you I was pregnant, with Zineah; because at the time you were dealing with another married couple’s problem and I didn’t want to add to the stress

I wanted to tell you earlier, before I started showing; hell, even before I was 4 months along and fatter

It was noticeable, I know that but what was I meant to do?

In the middle of your stress and struggle, just blurt out that I was expecting a child?

And out of wedlock nogals

Not exactly the life you had planned for me

Everyone in the family always looks past me, and as I near the big 3 – 0, I’ve realised that no one has ever bothered to have a real discussion with me

Me

Not Zineah

My mental state

I came home yesterday, with a raging headache and not one person looked at me twice

I forced a smile as I greeted because I know, that now, you are AGAIN dealing with another married couple’s problems

And you’re busy right?

Always busy

Never 5 minutes

My headache made me want to cry but I did not

I never do

Why? I don’t have the time

There are too many people, too many things, too many situations

That need me to be strong and around

“around”

“strong”

I won’t tell you about the dreams I’ve been having lately

Anxiety dreams, I believe

To the build up of a year that we were burglared

15 September

I will never forget that day

Yes, I am ok ; but am I really “that” ok?

No one knows

My dreams

They are about death on an extremely gruesome scale

I dream about death by shotgun and gas explosion where people are decapitated and blown to pieces

I dream about being kidnapped and trying to fight about

I have extreme anxiety of open doors and I am hyper alert

Fearing to walk into a darkened room, for fear that there might be someone around the corner waiting to attack

Visualing situations where I act like the heroin to save my child, how I come out with battle scars and have everyone be proud of me

No one ever scared that I wouldn’t make it because I’m me, right

This is my come back to social media and my blog ; I have been gone for a while

Doubt you even noticed

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