You Deserve More

I am proud of you
You need to know that
Not that you don’t know that already but as Facebook keeps on regurtitating memories upon my sad soul
I can’t help but become emotional and sentimental about how small you once were
I often joke that you would stay small and get back in my belly; then atleast I’d have a real reason for having this big rolling mag
You deserve more than this life
More than feeling less than
You deserve love and happyness
Endless bounds of it
I wish I could give it to you all
The knowledge to not follow that boy to the ends of the Earth but also the knowledge that you have to make mistakes and get hurt to learn
You deserve more than mediocre, because you, my love are worth 1 hundred million thousand
You deserve only the sunshine, even peaking through the dark stormy clouds
You deserve to be loved immensely and then hurt deeply
The good and alot of the bad
Knowing that at any minute you can turn around and I’ll be right there
Being your mother makes me proud
You being my child makes me proud
If “Mother” is the only title I ever have in this earthly life, I am ok with that
No matter what other’s say
You dear Zineah have brought so much joy into the life of others’
You are loved beyond compare
By people you don’t even know
You deserve more than the little love I have to give
Because of you, I am who I am
Proud
A Mother
A Provider
I love you Zineah

May you never forget that

Let’s Not Get It Twisted

It’s crazy how much I miss her even though I saw her a few hours ago
It’s crazy how I want a picture of her just to see if anything has changed
It must be madness that I can’t wait to leave in the morning but then when I get to work, I yearn to be with her

Continue reading “Let’s Not Get It Twisted”

The Motherhood Diaries: What kids do

Zineah drank toilet water the other day. Let that sink in. Seriously. Read that first sentence again. Read it more than once if you need to. Let it sink all the way in. Like all the fuckin way. Now take the way you feel and imagine how I felt? Disgusted, yes? But I let her drink it. Yes I did. She literally ran into the bathroom with her cup that contained damn good CLEAN, from the fuckin tap kinda water and what does she do? FILLS the cup with vuil, kak en piss water. Was I upset? No. What I did I do? I let her drink it. All of it. The whole cup. Am I a bad mother? No. Am I a perfect mother? Hells to the fuckin no! So,you’re probably wondering why I let my child drink that toilet water? Well,because it’s a learning experience for her. I let her climb on shit and run and be naked. I do not let her get dirty. I am at the ready with a fuckin bag of wet wipes. All the time. 24/7. I let her do it because she needs to learn. I need to learn. She will fall, drink from random outlets and she will get dirty. I can’t keep her my pretty baby forever. It’s toilet water. She picked up a old entjie bud the other day. I hit it out of her hand. Toilet water. She is ok. Still, toilet water. Like seriously? She knows how to open the tap and then toilet water. She’s playing. Experimenting. I don’t mind. I love her. All of her. She is my little explorer. My beautiful baby girl that drinks toilet water. My beautiful baby girl. Mine. A gift. My toilet water drinker.

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The Motherhood Diaries

Single motherhood is not easy. I am not saying that dual parenting is but atleast you have help.
No matter how sick I am. No matter how tired I am. I have to be there. I have to be alert and available. I have no back up parent. Yes, I have my parents but I am first and foremost in the firing line. I’m sick, she wants to be by me. She’s sick,she wants to be by me. I know that I’ve created my own bed and now I need to lie in it and I don’t mind because I know that in a few short years she’ll want nothing to with me and then I’ll want it back,I’ll miss her. So I’ve decided that the best thing to do is just to concentrate on me,concentrate on her. Love her with my all and let her irritate the hell outta me. I’m going to put off dating. I am finally ok with my decision because it’s not just a decision for me,it’s a decision for us.
I am not saying that I will never date. All I’m saying is that I will stop looking. I will not go on anymore dates. Not until I am ready,because in all honesty I am not……ready,that is.
If I was ready I would put in a bit more effort and I would be a bit more excited or atleast enthused.
I cannot be with someone when I don’t even want to be with myself – in reference to how I look naked.
I am just going to be her mother. I am going to be my person.
Studying. Working. Blogging. I am just going to do what needs to be done. I will be happy. I am happy.
I will love her with all of my heart, with all of my tired heart. I will live this life for the both of us and I will be successful. I will not allow her to feel any less loved because she comes from a single parent household. She will always know her true value. She will always know her true worth.
I am going to be everything and more that I can be for this little girl and she will be my all.

I am a single mother. By choice. My choice