Bad Mother Guilt

I am a bad mother, and no, this is not a pity party
This is reality
I am a bad mother
I often have bouts of depression and when I’m low, I am deep 6 feet under low
Like nothing and no one can pull me out of it but time
It is in this depressive state where I become quiet and ponder
Mostly about how bad of a mother I am
And not the kind that forgot to give her child the medicine or the one who forgot to wish her kid “Happy Birthday”
I am the kind of bad mother that in a fit of rage, hit her almost 2 year old by lifting her off the ground, the longest 10 seconds of her life before I realised what I was doing
Feeling too bad to cry
The kind of mother who does not spend anytime, at all with her child
Barely any on the car ride home because she’d much prefer to watch her “tabby”
I am honest about my bad-mothering and I often said that although I have not improved dramatically, it does make it easier to have a child that communicate with words and emotions,rather than me trying to decipher what the fuck is going on
I am a bad mother
I feel bad for my child
Always thinking she would be better off if I was dead or in prison
Like she would just live a better life, if for some reason I just did not exist
I would miss her though
I love her with my all and I would die for her
I often run through scenarios in my head; where I try and prep her for anything that might happen
You know?
I don’t know if this is seasonal depression or what but I hate it
It happens so quickly
So unexpectantly
And it stays for a long time
Or maybe it just feels like a long time
“It’s not nice” is a term I use to describe it but it’s honestly the fuckin worst
I am, generally, an introvert and this shit happens and I retreat even more

It reiterates my deepest insecurities and faults

I am a bad mother

This is my reality

I do not feel worthy enough

I suffer from the real Bad Mother Guilt

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