It’s The Small Things

I am sick, just a bit of flu. I put it down to a lack of sleep, starting my period and then work stress. So when I cry, it seems like sinuses. Which is what I need now, no one to know that I am crying or want to cry or have been crying. I screamed in the car yesterday, my daughter found it hilarious – she joined in. I screamed from frustration, anger and because I needed to. I am shaking, uncontrollably, controllably. I am drowning. Noticing that it’s the small things that make me want to lose my fuckin mind because why the fuck not! I am struggling to breathe, not from the flu but because if I don’t I am scared that I will lose it in a fit of rage. I want to hit something. I keep on snapping. I want to shout. At you. I want to throw something. Break something. Because maybe then I will feel better. But I know I won’t. That is not going to help. I have been putting off going to my GP for the longest time. I do think. Mentality. I need help. Emotionally. I need comfort. Physically. I need to be fucked. Would that not be the easier way to just let every – fuckin – thing go. Just like that. One quick pomp and I will be better. Hopefully it’s that easy. I am sick. I am not ok. I am taking a small almost non existent break from social media. I don’t think you are the problem though. But I am about to break.

I will not sit down and I will not be humble

Queue Kendrick Lamar’s song………..not for me because I am sick and tired of being taken for a poephol

It dawned on me yesterday, as it had so many times before, that I am a really really nice person

I go out of my way for other people. To make them feel comfortable, welcome and wanted

What do I get? Oh, I was busy / things were hectic

Now, that’s not a problem. I understand #life but if you claim to be my friend should you not atleast check in with me like I do with you?

Even a quick, “hey, hope you’re ok”, once every 6 months will suffice

Something to show that I am on your radar

I have this belief that if I died suddenly, no one would miss me because alive I play such an insignificant role in your life, so why should my death be any different

Even at work, no one even notices when I am on leave and I am the resident work DJ

Is my existence so insignificant that it doesn’t warrant a quick 5 second check in

I often wonder if being nice is all its cracked up to be

Often feels like it’s a bunch of kak

Isn’t there something about good karma, what goes around cones around?

I would like to trade in my forthcoming good karma for money, lots of it