I Want A Daddy

No, not me

I already have one

A damn good one at that

The kid

She is 5 years old now

She hasn’t said that she wants one , outloud but she has been making reference to “daddies” on TV shows and her playing has more so encompassed the word “daddy”

Now, when she was 3 years old she already asked me about this situation and , at the time, I explained to her that she was just too young at the time

Now though, how much longer can I avoid it? Yes I know that avoiding it is ultimately not the best or wisest decision but you know, just sometimes.

I have asked her, more than once, on those days I am feeling less than, if she wanted one.

A daddy.

You know, as if it’s just that easy click of the finger to get a dad.

Just

So

Easy

I am fearful for what the future holds. How different, successful or not, will she turn out because of the decisions I’ve made. The actions that took place.

Many of you do not know that for 2 years I have been fighting a financially draining journey. Recently though, I won.

Now won is not the right term but I sure as hell didn’t lose but how will my “winning” now affect her in 6 months, at 6 years?

Have I made a grave mistake by doing what I think was right? Even though he doesn’t contribute, at all? Am I wrong? Am I robbing her of an important relationship?

She has my dad though, my grandfather, my brother, uncle and cousin.

Alot of good strong men.

Does one really make a difference?

I know she needs a daddy but does she really need that one?

The worst version of me

I have become her

The one I hate

She has been hidden for so long

She has emerged

Again

Now

Why now

I remember her

She is horrible

Quick to react

Even faster to anger

She makes me hate myself

That hatred feels like burning hot whisky down my throat

She is hateful

Seething with black dark unforgiving love

Her guilt makes it impossible to sleep

Tossing

Turning

Trying to figure out how to make things right

Praying for forgiveness

For knowledge

Comfort

I hate her

She makes me ugly

Unlikeable

To me even

She makes me want to slit my wrists snd get a one way ticket out of here

I hate that she has taken so much of my life already

6 years and a bit more

Now this

She has resurfaced

Like a friend cut off at the first sign of peer pressure

She turns me into a monster

Rearing it’s ugly diseased head

Taking days

Even weeks to calm down

She enjoys this

Control

Grabbing me right in the middle of my chest

Pulling me towards the darkness

And I just give in

So weak

Trying to fight but she has a hold on me

Like 10 people holding me

Too tight

Unable to breathe

She takes over as I try to live

She brings out the ugly in me

The ugliest part of me

I need to find the off button

I don’t like being this ugly

WIN! Stress Free Dinner

The Dinner Genie is a Christian run company based in Pinelands.

What I love about this company is the fast responses to email, their willingness to answer the magnitude of questions I had and the warm reception I received upon collecting my meal. Also, a major plus? Mother dearest thoroughly enjoyed the meal – which, if anyone knows my mom, is a fracking amazing.

Because this is a Christian run company, they cook with pork food items and therefore this competition is only open to my Christian followers, unless you’re like super chilled about your food being cooked in the same kitchen as pork goods, then read the fuck on bra!

What can you win? Besides a day off from cooking? #BuyPaperPlates
A roast chicken dinner (feeds four, unless you are a kos gangsta’) to the value of R250

Roast Chicken Dinner, you say? Will I only be getting Chicken?
– Full Free Range Chicken with bread stuffing
– Roast Potatoes
– Roast veg
– Gravy

The winner would need to pick up the item from the Dinner-Genie kitchen in Pinelands, after 4pm on a pre-selected date. (futher information will be provided to the winner only!)

So, if you want free kos and have a ride then follow the rules below and get yourself a meal man! Yassis! Do yourself a favour and get that food hunnay!

Rules:
Follow my blog (altyd ne) and comment on my Insta post about this competition with the name / email address under which you followed
If you already follow my blog, then just comment with the name / email address under which you follow me
Like my Facebook page (I have got to get over myself!)

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy – winner announced faster than you can say “Hos Ma Se Kin!”

I have this because of you | NSFW

Please do not view this on your work laptop

Please do not read this in a public place

For the sake of humanity, do not view this in an open place

Read this on your mobile, with the lighting dimmed

Please! For the love of all that is good – dim the damn light on your phone

Make this easier for all of us

Yesterday was Women’s Day (in South Africa) and my mom had a women’s day function @ the church we attend

Was it great? You betcha! Now, there were 2 photographers and the one took a pic of the baby and I where I commented that she knows how to hide all my problem areas (you all know the “fat” I am talking about)

Jokingly, he responded that “You have that because of her”

*You have that because of her*

Now, I have all this (imagine me gesturing to my belly and butt) because I also do not work out and take care of myself blah blah blah BUT It got me thinking

As mothers, women even we are constantly shamed into thinking that this (gesturing towards my body again) is just not good enough

The fact we brought life into the world is not enough because we are expected to bounce back into whatever pre-baby body shape we were in #DamnYouSize28Jeans

*I have that because of her*

Unconditional love

Uncontrollable joy

Unexplainable pain

Unimaginable anger

I have more than just my post baby (5 years later) body because of her

I have a joy whenever I see her laugh

I have a moment to myself whenever I catch her laughing in her sleep

I have a moment of reflection as I kiss her forhead and hold her tight

I have a life I created

A life I am helping to build

I have more than just these belly rolls, stretch marks and definitely more than these flabby everythings

I have a reason to get up and go work in the morning

I have a reason to always remember that things are not always as bad as you think it is

I have a girl who, in many ways, is just like me

*I have this because of her*

Of what I gave up

Who I gave up

I have memories

Alot of pain and alot of worry

I have this body and I will no longer be shamed by what allowed me to carry life into this World

If you have

– given birth

– had a stillbirth

– had a miscarriage

Know that your body is beautiful and that as women, we need to stand together, we need to support each other

You, right now, as you are, perfectly wobbly and soft, are a goddess

No matter how long you carried life, inside or outside of your body, you are powerful and deserve to be celebrated

#SayNoToBodyShaming

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What do you have because of them?