Friday Feels

After a particularly hard day yesterday, I wrote this. I did not cry. I did not feel sorry for myself for myself. I felt seen. I felt as if the mask had been lifted off and knowingly admitted what others have been able to assess within minutes of meeting me. My inability to love myself.

 
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My worth is defined by my own inability to love from within

I define myself on rules the world has set out for me

I define who I am as a mother on one really bad day

I define who I am as a daughter on past mistakes and hurts

I define my want for love on pure sexual atonements

I define my inner worth by others outer opinions

I do not see the worth others see in me

I do not hold on to the faith my daughter has in me

My worth is determined by people that don’t matter

That shouldn’t matter

They won’t anymore

I value others opinions more than what need be

I feel constantly judged

By my own deceiving eyes

By my own malicious mind

This stops now!

My inability to love myself, to start that love from within has not made me a bad mother, it has not made me a bad daughter and it has not made me a bad friend

It has made me an ugly mother, an ugly daughter and an ugly friend

I mask my inability with laughter, while crying on the inside

I always say, “There’s no time for crying”, and “No one wants to hear my sob story”

When I should’ve been saying, “I will always cry”, and “I will always listen to my own story”

This is my life and I create my happiness

I do not need the approval of others or the acknowledgement of you

My inability to love is because I have not accepted nor embraced the greatest love of all

His

My eyes have been closed too long to the greatest that He is

My heart has been shielded from the outpouring of His love

My inabilities have been His abilities

I have just been too blind, too shunted

Rather stay protected than rejected

I give myself to you Father, to better me

Help me

My inability

My worth

My daughter

My parents

Me

The greatest love

My Heavenly Father

Strengthen me so that I may forever know the beating of my own heart and the words etched into my thoughts

Know me so that I may know myself and feed this self knowledge to my own child

Love me so that I may see that I am worth more than these harsh words and inappropriate thoughts

Heal me Father

Help me Father

For I am yours and I can do anything through you, who gives me strength

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The first of many

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So, on 15 February 2016, my daughter gets her first “homework”
She will be 4 years old in May 2016 and is still in creche/daycare
Anyway, the proud mother I am had me taking pictures of her first ever homework assignment
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Her assignment was to cut out a picture of a happy face and a sad face, with NO help

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First we perused through a magazine, where we eventually found our happy face

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Then we decided to use a newspaper to find a sad face
Side Note: Publications these days DON’T promote the use of sad faces so be warned parents!

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Can you guess which one is the happy one and which one is the sad one?

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And then we got to pasting, and not with glue as I was told but with paste……………..

Here you go ladies & gents, the FINAL product

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This took all of 10 minutes but it was worth it #proudmommymoment

The View

For anyone who is NOT in Cape Town, South Africa; this is for you
The view this morning might not be breathtaking but it is welcome
We’re been dealing with some hectic heatwaves and today we welcome some fog and light drizzles with possible rain showers this evening

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A Bit Of Gratitude

Wow! Damn! It’s been ages since I last posted
This is just a mini shout out to the people who assisted in my being on this Earth

The Parentals:

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They won’t read this but I just want everyone to know that they are an amazing duo
So supportive
Amazing human beings
They never give up and are always ready and willing to do whatever I ask, within reason

The best parents ever? Yes they are!!!!!!!

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The Guy

The first
In 3 years
How can I want you like this when I don’t even know you?
How can I always be thinking of you, when I don’t even know what you sound like?
Is it even possible to want to wake up with your face next to mine?
Is it ludicrous to want to laugh at your silly jokes?
Is it nervous crazy girl that I’m looking forward to meeting your family?
Is it pure lust that I don’t mind being your friend first and then your wife?
From the day I found out about you, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind
You’re so incessantly in my thoughts
A recurring dream
A lustful part of my body
A pull
The boy I never met, I can’t seem to get out of my mind

Oh Snap!

So I’m scrolling through Facebook like I do and I see this

“not for sensitive viewers”

What gets to me?
What makes my heart ache?

The screams
The gut wrenching
Soul crushing
Murderous screams

The screams of  a child who has no threshhold
The screams of a child looking for a way out

I am upset
Deeply
My heart is paining

Who took this video?
Why is everyone standing around?
Why is another child being forcefully pushed into the beating?

What happened to that child?

What gives ANYONE the right to think they can mishandle and mistreat a HUMAN being, a LIVING breathing creature like that?

What bush did you crawl out of?
This is not a race thing

This is a mother thing
A parent thing
What right?
Who?

Videos like these make me wish I had the power to reach down their throats and pull their onsides out
To make them suffer while I shove a hot poker stick into their eye socket
I want to inflict a pain
Any pain
Make them scream
Make them cry

Yes, let’s not fire with fire
But when fire spreads throughout the world, who are we to stand in the of who it burns

Save the children
Save the animals
Save the innocent
Save the people