Ladies & Gents,
I’ve seemed to notice a trend with my posts. They are all sappy and shit. That is not me. I am strong. Independent. I am not an emotional person. There is no time for crying in my life. I write/type about my life. My blog is my life. To you. For you. I am funny. I am a joker. I do not do feelings. I do not do deep shit. Apparently I do, & I know why. Simple. Reason. Staring right me right in the face. Love. Loneliness. Life.
I need love. I crave love. I want love. Being single isn’t hard. Being a single parent is. I am not asking for a pity party. I am not asking for sympathy. I am not asking for love……but I am asking for someone. I am alone. That’s ok. I am alone. I am ok. I just miss someone. I just miss you. Ah, what I wouldn’t give to have someone hold my hand. To have a arm draped across my shoulder. What would I give for a night?
I am sappy and all emotional coz I ain’t getting none. Sex. Love. Hugs. Kisses. Nothing. Niks. Zip. Zilch.
I am ok with it……….bbbuuuttt it could be better. Just saying. Anyone? Really?
Hopefully I’ll snap outta this sappy,loveless phase and go back to being regular old bitchy me☺
Have you ever met someone who makes you want to do better?
Someone who excites you with just so much as a glance?
Someone irresistible? Someone, when just the thought of them,drives you completely insane? You can’t wait to see them. To talk to them. To look at them. To say a simple “Hello” :)☺
It all drives you completely insane. Like mental institution insane. It’s not possessive. It’s not jealous. It’s pure unadultered love. Want. Need. Insatiable. It’s a love you cannot wait for. A love that is not far but is never close enough. It’s a love you dream of. Always waking up with a smile on your face. A love that is always magnificient,even in the bad times. Always magnificient, because if it is anything less, then you’d rather go without. A love that is more than sex,more than just the here and now. It is a longing love. It is a clear love. A long term (you hope) kinda love. A love you want. A not-to-be-taken-for-granted kinda love.
It is something,that without it,you could live but your heart,your heart my darling will never be full. Love is the fuel that fills your heart. It is the juice that keeps it pumping. This love, this magnificient OUT OF THIS FREAKIN WORLD Love is the ONLY reason why you’re still walking. It’s the only DAMN reason your body wakes in the morning.
You only wake to find your dream love. You carry that feeling of ectasy throughout the day because you know that this love you seek is out there. It must be. It has to be. This love is just guarded and you know that we all, everyone on this Earth,goes to bed each night,hoping to drift back into dreamland and relive those few hours of pure blissful love. Happiness. Laughter. Have you heard your dream self laugh? I have. It is magnificient. Infectious. A childlike laugh. A laugh that has never been hurt. And yet,my darling, you wake up and conquer the day with that laughter. A no harm laugh. A no hurt laugh. It is a love laugh.
A love laugh that believes. A love laugh that knows that your fuel is out there,somewhere. A love. A laugh. A you. Without knowing you,I know I miss you. I know I love you. I know you’re my one.
I envy married people & people with boyfriends. Partners. In crime. Together. I know they are not perfect & I know their lives are not perfect but I am jealous. I am a jealous person because I long for that. For a someone.
Even these young kids, younger than me. Married & I can’t help wondering where I went wrong. Why was I not that lucky? Should I just have stuck it out? Grinned and beared it? I feel alone. I am alone.
I want to be a someone to someone. I miss it. I miss everything. The sex. The hand holding. The laughs. I miss it all & what if I never find it? What if I am supposed to be alone forever?
I have these scenarios in my head. Played out daily. That I’ll meet someone & it will be all I ever wanted but how long is that day going to take? Months? Years? I don’t mind waiting but I am getting more alone now than before. I just miss having someone to talk to. Someone to share things with. Someone who is interested. I miss having a person. And I am jealous. Of all these young married people, these happy and not so happy married people. I am jealous. Of you. I am jealous. Because I want that. I miss that.
I am jealous. I am envious. I am alone, & I miss that. I miss you
*disclaimer: all pictures are courtesy of pinterest, facebook,tumblr & 9gag*
I need someone to get it. To get me. To get that what I want is another 2 or 3 kids. To get that what I want is someone. A person. To get that what I want is marriage. A lifetime. A best friend. To get that I am strong but at the worst times,I am vulnerable. To get that I won’t always ask for help but I’ll always need it. I need a someone to get that I am broken and that I am not afraid to lay myself bare. I need someone to get that things won’t always be perfect but that I am not asking for perfection. I am asking for a lifetime. I need a person. A person who will make me feel again. In every sense of the word. I need a person who will stick by me as I promise to stick by him. I need a person who cares. I need a person who loves. I need someone, something. I need a something that pulls me. I need a something that makes it worth the wait. I need a someone. I need a person. I need you.
Feel like I’m drowning. Not in the literal sense but I am drowning. I feel like I’m getting sick, I think it’s my body’s way of taking revenge. I do hope and pray, sincerely,that I get sick. Like can barely even move sick. Just so that I can get a tiny little break. An opportunity to get my head wrapped around all of this. To understand the ups & downs. I know they say that God only gives His toughest fights to His strongest soldiers,but I don’t know if I’ll ever be emotionally strong for this. I already feel like I am at breaking point. Like, “JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!”
I don’t particurlarly want to deal with this. One minute I’m fine and then this happens and it has an effect of sending into a downward spiral. Not a good one. One where I’m close to tears, & the crazy thing about that is that being a mother doesn’t really allow much time for tears. Ya’know how these kids feed off our energy. That’s the thing. Energy. It’s grown resentful. That I’m the one doing all the running around.
I feel like punching something. Punching some sense into him. Like how are you not seeing the bigger picture?! 😠
& not even music is helping me. No train of thought. No jivey feels. I feel all dark & twisty. I need a streak of good luck,of winning but first, I must get sick. Terribly sick. Then things can get better. Only then.
The situation is profound. Too much. I know things will work out in the end but in the meantime, I ask that you please pray for me. I am a soldier. I will be strong enough. I have to be.