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Ladies & Gents,
I’ve seemed to notice a trend with my posts. They are all sappy and shit. That is not me. I am strong. Independent. I am not an emotional person. There is no time for crying in my life. I write/type about my life. My blog is my life. To you. For you. I am funny. I am a joker. I do not do feelings. I do not do deep shit. Apparently I do, & I know why. Simple. Reason. Staring right me right in the face. Love. Loneliness. Life.

I need love. I crave love. I want love. Being single isn’t hard. Being a single parent is. I am not asking for a pity party. I am not asking for sympathy. I am not asking for love……but I am asking for someone. I am alone. That’s ok. I am alone. I am ok. I just miss someone. I just miss you. Ah, what I wouldn’t give to have someone hold my hand. To have a arm draped across my shoulder. What would I give for a night?

I am sappy and all emotional coz I ain’t getting none. Sex. Love. Hugs. Kisses. Nothing. Niks. Zip. Zilch.

I am
A.L.O.N.E
L.O.N.E.L.Y
L.O.V.E.L.E.S.S
A.T.H.E.N.A

I am ok with it……….bbbuuuttt it could be better. Just saying. Anyone? Really?

Hopefully I’ll snap outta this sappy,loveless phase and go back to being regular old bitchy me☺

A Love. A Laugh. A You

Have you ever met someone who makes you want to do better?
Someone who excites you with just so much as a glance?
Someone irresistible? Someone, when just the thought of them,drives you completely insane? You can’t wait to see them. To talk to them. To look at them. To say a simple “Hello” :)☺
It all drives you completely insane. Like mental institution insane. It’s not possessive. It’s not jealous. It’s pure unadultered love. Want. Need. Insatiable. It’s a love you cannot wait for. A love that is not far but is never close enough. It’s a love you dream of. Always waking up with a smile on your face. A love that is always magnificient,even in the bad times. Always magnificient, because if it is anything less, then you’d rather go without. A love that is more than sex,more than just the here and now. It is a longing love. It is a clear love. A long term (you hope) kinda love. A love you want. A not-to-be-taken-for-granted kinda love.
It is something,that without it,you could live but your heart,your heart my darling will never be full. Love is the fuel that fills your heart. It is the juice that keeps it pumping. This love, this magnificient OUT OF THIS FREAKIN WORLD Love is the ONLY reason why you’re still walking. It’s the only DAMN reason your body wakes in the morning.
You only wake to find your dream love. You carry that feeling of ectasy throughout the day because you know that this love you seek is out there. It must be. It has to be. This love is just guarded and you know that we all, everyone on this Earth,goes to bed each night,hoping to drift back into dreamland and relive those few hours of pure blissful love. Happiness. Laughter. Have you heard your dream self laugh? I have. It is magnificient. Infectious. A childlike laugh. A laugh that has never been hurt. And yet,my darling, you wake up and conquer the day with that laughter. A no harm laugh. A no hurt laugh. It is a love laugh.
A love laugh that believes. A love laugh that knows that your fuel is out there,somewhere. A love. A laugh. A you. Without knowing you,I know I miss you. I know I love you. I know you’re my one.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

A Lonely Heart

I envy married people & people with boyfriends. Partners. In crime. Together. I know they are not perfect & I know their lives are not perfect but I am jealous. I am a jealous person because I long for that. For a someone.

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Even these young kids, younger than me. Married & I can’t help wondering where I went wrong. Why was I not that lucky? Should I just have stuck it out? Grinned and beared it? I feel alone. I am alone.

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I want to be a someone to someone. I miss it. I miss everything. The sex. The hand holding. The laughs. I miss it all & what if I never find it? What if I am supposed to be alone forever?

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I have these scenarios in my head. Played out daily. That I’ll meet someone & it will be all I ever wanted but how long is that day going to take? Months? Years? I don’t mind waiting but I am getting more alone now than before. I just miss having someone to talk to. Someone to share things with. Someone who is interested. I miss having a person. And I am jealous. Of all these young married people, these happy and not so happy married people. I am jealous. Of you. I am jealous. Because I want that. I miss that.

I am jealous. I am envious. I am alone, & I miss that. I miss you

*disclaimer: all pictures are courtesy of pinterest, facebook,tumblr & 9gag*

Get It

I need someone to get it. To get me. To get that what I want is another 2 or 3 kids. To get that what I want is someone. A person. To get that what I want is marriage. A lifetime. A best friend. To get that I am strong but at the worst times,I am vulnerable. To get that I won’t always ask for help but I’ll always need it. I need a someone to get that I am broken and that I am not afraid to lay myself bare. I need someone to get that things won’t always be perfect but that I am not asking for perfection. I am asking for a lifetime. I need a person. A person who will make me feel again. In every sense of the word. I need a person who will stick by me as I promise to stick by him. I need a person who cares. I need a person who loves. I need someone, something. I need a something that pulls me. I need a something that makes it worth the wait. I need a someone. I need a person. I need you.

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there’s no time

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Feel like I’m drowning. Not in the literal sense but I am drowning. I feel like I’m getting sick, I think it’s my body’s way of taking revenge. I do hope and pray, sincerely,that I get sick. Like can barely even move sick. Just so that I can get a tiny little break. An opportunity to get my head wrapped around all of this.  To understand the ups & downs. I know they say that God only gives His toughest fights to His strongest soldiers,but I don’t know if I’ll ever be emotionally strong for this. I already feel like I am at breaking point. Like, “JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!”

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I don’t particurlarly want to deal with this. One minute I’m fine and then this happens and it has an effect of sending into a downward spiral. Not a good one. One where I’m close to tears, & the crazy thing about that is that being a mother doesn’t really allow much time for tears. Ya’know how these kids feed off our energy. That’s the thing. Energy. It’s grown resentful. That I’m the one doing all the running around.

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I feel like punching something. Punching some sense into him. Like how are you not seeing the bigger picture?! 😠
& not even music is helping me. No train of thought. No jivey feels. I feel all dark & twisty. I need a streak of good luck,of winning but first, I must get sick. Terribly sick. Then things can get better. Only then.

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The situation is profound. Too much. I know things will work out in the end but in the meantime, I ask that you please pray for me. I am a soldier. I will be strong enough. I have to be.

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Dear Friend

It is a sad day. I came back from church & checked my phone. Went onto Facebook and I see that a dear friend of mine has passed on. We were in high school together & ran in the same circles. Took drama classes together. He was a funny guy. A joker. A great individual. A personality that could light up any room. A person anyone would be privileged enough to meet. A Godly man. My heart is sore and it is a pain I cannot express. My eyes are welled up with tears and I feel this loss. He fought a battle and I thought he was well but perhaps it was just hope. Hope from above,for his family and friends that all would be well in the end. I salute you my dear friend and I send out my most heartfelt condolences to your family and friends. This is hard for me. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be for them. Fly High Mr Allen.

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Things I need her to know

There are things you want them to know. Your kids. Things that they won’t listen to but as parents we’re inclined to tell them anyway.
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Never stop working. Never. Always be better than the you you were yesterday.

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Don’t sleep with just anyone. Your soul will shrink in time and you’ll become dirty. Not physically dirty but mentality and spiritually.

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Don’t drink too much. Moderation is key. Even when you need to go a bit crazy just remember to still keep your wits about you.

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Enjoy the small things in life. The everyday things people take for granted. Notice the beauty in the small.

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Don’t allow anyone or anything to keep you down and out for too long. Feel. Cry. Let go. Move on.

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Don’t expect. What you expect from people and what they expect from themselves are completely different. In most cases, you see their potential & they don’t

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Always. It isn’t done if it’s not done the right way. No matter how you feel. Always. Always. Always. Do a great fuckin job.

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Let music find you. Allow it to run through your veins & take you on lyrical journeys.

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Know that it’s ok to not want the negative energy and soul suckers in your life

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If you have the opportunity to do that. Then do it. Be your own boss. Create employment. Be happy

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Get enough sleep! Trust me.

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Don’t believe everything you hear. The world is a petty place.

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Trust Him

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Love your body. It’s the only one you have.

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Something. Not someone. Know that coming 2nd doesn’t always feel as good as coming 1st but sometimes you have to be 2nd to realise what 1st really means. Don’t be overly competitive

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Don’t follow the crowd

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Don’t be overwhelmed. Take. A. Break

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Find someone you can have fun with and who enjoys being silly every now and again. Be silly together

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Oh my dear. Love. Wait for it. It should be nothing less than extraordinary. Never soul crushing.

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My darling daughter, know that you are unconditionally,wholeheartedly, passionately and immensely loved. You always were and always will be. You are special. You will make a difference. You have always made me proud.

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Laugh. Love. Live. ❤

*I ask you dear reader,to impart you wisdom on Zineah. You can do that by sending an email to zineahej@yahoo.co.za*

A Broken Home

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When Zineah starts screaming into her calculator phone,that word I seem to loathe when associated with him.

“Daddy!!! Daddy!!! Daddy!!! Daddy!!! Daddy!!! Daddy!!!”

When I kneel down beside her and we start a dialogue on that word.
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Athena: What did you just say?
Zineah: *whispers* Daddy
Athena: I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you
Zineah: *more proudly now* Daddy
Athena: Ok. Where is he?
Zineah: I don’t know. He isn’t here
Athena: Ok
Zineah: Talk to him Mommy
Athena: What?
Zineah: Say hello
Athena: *with the calculator phone in hand* Hello Daddy
Zineah: *laughs* He’s not there
I stare blankly in Zineah’s direction
Zineah: *staring at me intently* I don’t have a Daddy. Only a Mommy
I then realise that this is not posed as a statement or question but more of a reassurance,to herself, that she does, in fact not have a Daddy and only a Mommy

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Now, I know that she knows the “D” word because alot of kids at creche use it and most of them have Daddy’s. I don’t mind her using it but I find it hard to explain and heartbreaking to fathom when she looks at me and very innocently asks, “Mommy, where’s my daddy?” What the holy hell am I suppose to say. I dodge. Yes she might understand but I don’t know how to word to a 3 year old that the man who so adamantly wanted her less than 5 years ago,now has chosen to no longer be present. No longer caring. I am a bitch but I am not the kind of bitch to keep a father away from his child.

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She acts out. Not all the time. But when she does it’s bad. Throwing things. Biting. I try not to hit but sometimes she just needs a quick hit. On the leg. Just one lekker big klap. I do it. Just once. I try talking to her. Letting her know that her behaviour is inappropriate and she needs to listen etc. It works. Mostly. Sometimes not so much. Most ot the time I put it down to her knowing. Just knowing. Just knowing that something is missing. Someone is missing.

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I don’t want her to feel less than so I tend to overcompensate. Money. Time. Sweets Things. I try to be her everything. All the time. I know that’s bad. I know I shouldn’t. But I don’t want her to feel like this is her fault and in time, I’ll explain that to her. That this,all of this, is none of her fault.

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Blogging

I haven’t blogged in a long time and it is for many reasons. I don’t have anything to blog about. Motherhood? Yes. Everything else? No. I am jealous. Of a few other blogs. They are longer, more funny and seem to attract a bigger audience. Is that because their witty banter? The obvious misspelt words? Someone please tell me what it is because I feel as if I am lacking. My constant need to want to get it right. The spelling. The sentence structure. Is this the platform for me? For my non issues? I don’t have the time nor do I want to blog in bed or at home. I much prefer to spend time with my child or hold her hand while we both drift into lala – land. Am I as crass and uncouth as these other bloggers? No. Am I just as honest? Probably. I am not vulgar. I am not unkempt. I just choose to express myself in a more polite and perhaps proper manner. Does this make me less appealing? Yes. Do I care? Very much so. Do I change? No.

So,what do I do? When my posts are not nearly as long or as fascinating? What do I do when I have a limited audience? What?

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Fun Fact Friday: The Strong Woman

I would like to start this post off by saying that I speak from experience,and if somewhere in this post I happen to offend you, then please subscribe so that I can offend you some more. It is one of the many joys in my life. I’m an offensive person & I like it. Don’t? Bye bye then. Don’t let the door hit your flat unsquatted ass on the way out.

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HASHTAG truth……seriously? Can anyone tell me when they’ve met a strong woman that took kak? Like on the daily.
Humbleness aside,as a strong independent woman, I need to know what is going on. You asked me out on a date and you can’t be bothered to tell me where or what the appropriate attire will be? Dude. We have a problem. It is necessarily about always wanting to be in control, it’s just that I have to have a plan. It’s about knowing that you’ve made concrete plans. That you are excited,about me, about us. I don’t know need to know every single fuckin minute detail. I just need to know the basics. To be on my best. To be my best. I am ok without you and I’ll be ok when you bail. I was always ok. I will always be ok.

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Boys shy away from a woman who knows what she wants. Men don’t. I am yet to meet a man. I am a single mother. If I can have my shit sorted,why can’t you? What, in your life is so difficult,that it is taking you so long to get back to the start? It is not about control. It is not about being kak bis. It is not about insecurities. It is about respect. Respect me as the woman I am and maybe I’ll respect you enough to fully hand you the reigns,just for one night.