Fun Fact Friday: The Fucks

You know all those posts and pics that state the damn obvious? LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKS I DON’T GIVE

Well this is what this post is about,kinda but it’s about all the fucks I DO give

Please can someone explain to me how the human race can just not care? Like how is it ok to just pretend? That someone that mattered so much last week no longer means a damn thing? Like how is it just ok to not care about your own personal time that you’ve invested into that person and that relationship? Like how are you ok just letting go? Someone somewhere put in effort,time; hell,someone even sacrificed sleep. Fuckin sleep. That shits important! You know someone is invested when they’ve willingly chosen you over sleep. How is this all ok? You put in the effort and then just FUCKALL!!!! Like nothing,not even a fuckin reason. Just gone. Nothing. No explanation. No reason for why your effort wasn’t enough. No why to your questions. Just ignoring you. No one deserves this. No one deserves a shit stained hankie at the end of a long day. You know what we need? A fuckin hug! A fuckin reason! A why. Like when did it become ok to just toss someone aside just because you smaak to. Just because it’s too much for you. When did feelings become so disposable? When did actually investing time become a waste? Hell, I get it – it’s all about sex and the easy route but seriously? Feelings people! Feelings! Feelings! This upsets me so much because it is not ok. Here you go throwing someone aside just coz you don’t smaak. The time and effort wasn’t worth it. The way you felt last week has changed completely because this week you just don’t want to deal with whatever or whoever this person is right now and you know that they’ll be there,waiting because they value the effort and time it took to build something. Even if it’s nothing to you,it means something to them and it’s not fair. To them. To the next. We wonder why people are so guarded. It’s because they know what it feels like. To be stepped on. To be used. To be packed up and put away until a more convenient time. Isn’t that what it’s about? Convenience? Just being able to put certain parts of your life on hold because it is just not a convenient time?
How do you think we feel? Knowing that we are just a substitute? Like a sweetener when the real deal sugar isn’t around? Do you think we like it? Do you think it’s ok?

Our country has already gone to shit and it seems our citizens are just following suit. I fear for our future. It is bound to get worse. We hurt. We feel. It is not ok. It never will be. Karma is a bitch but so is the person you’re packing away.

We all deserve a little more. We all deserve more than, “not right now.”

Secrets

Good Day Folks,
Before I start this post I would just like to acknowledge a few things

– I am sure there are only a handful of people who have subscribed to this blog so you might be the only people to read this. I haven’t yet made my mind up whether I will share it with my Facebook page #sensitiveinformation
– What I’m about to share is something that many people may know and then there are some that won’t
– This is not an attention seeking post. It is not a sympathy post. It is honest
– There will be some information in this post that will shock you, so if you’re easily offended, friend or not,then please stop reading.
– This is a judgement free zone. I do accept comments or emails athena.japhta@gmail.com
– This is my blog. My heart. Don’t like what I say or how I say it? Then please fuck off. I am not here to please you. This is an outlet for me. I am no longer surrounded by my friends and it’s hard not being able to just talk to them. Skype,BBM, Facebook messenger or even WhatsApp is just not the same.
– Just to reiterate THIS IS NOT A ” PITY,PLEASE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, TELL ME I’M PRETTY AND WORTH IT” post
– There will be imagery
– I know many people don’t agree with me just exposing my life like this and I understand where you’re coming from but this is what I’m choosing to do to be ok,happy even
– I know I’ve spiked your curiosity and now you can’t wait but do yourself a favour,if you are just here to judge or to be ‘bis’, then please just scroll through until you get to the images, judge, then move the fuck along

                        *acknowledgement done*

This is me. Athena Mechay Japhta. My mom wanted to name me Lou-Anne but thank God she saw my now name in a magazine. Right now? I am 26. A single mom. Fighting. Some days are better than others. I do not feel sorry for myself. There are people much more worse off than me. I have come to accept my life. I still strive to make it better but know this; for a long time I was depressed,internally. I was that crazy happy girl but on the inside it was like I was living in a bath of acid. Everything was horrendous. Until recently that is. 26 and a switch flipped. I am happy and ok. Guess I’m officially a grown up. I am in debt. Major ball sucking debt. No way out. That’s my acid now. It’s my own fault really. I don’t earn enough to sustain my life and pay my debts so every month something goes unpaid so that I can pay something towards my debt. I need a way out but of course I don’t qualify for a loan. I have never had much patience but being a single parent has taught me that I have to be patient. No choice really. I do not hate my life but I do really wish I could just come home and sleep. I can’t even afford a simple R40 eyebrow wax. Know that I would never blame my daughter for anything. She is my all. I will go through life with bushy unkempt eyebrows if it means that she will have something to fill her belly. After I lost my virginity (in matric), I became somewhat of a whore. Slept with 5 guys in the space of a year. I am not ashamed. I wish I made better choices in my life. I wish I worked a bit harder. I just wish I was overall just better. People always thought I was a slut, that I must’ve lost my virginity at 12 or something – all based on the fact that I had a different boyfriend every other month. I never even kissed them. Had my first kiss at 12, on a camp. Slutty talk? I have always used my body to get attention from men. I don’t know why but I don’t feel worthy. I’ve never felt worthy. Like never. I don’t know where it comes from. Even up until recently. That’s what I do. I am slowly coming to terms with my body. I am so much bigger than what I would like. I just want a smaller tummy. Not much I’m asking for. And then I look so vrot today – no make up and hair is a mess. I have always felt a desire to be the best and I know it frustrates me that I just cannot seem to get that where my body is concerned. It’s the one part of my life I should be able to control. I can’t. I allow men to talk down to me because it is easier than standing up for myself or fighting back. I’m talking friends or even just acquaintances. I complain about it when they do. I even ignore the messages I get. I like having friends. I don’t feel intellectual. I feel that the only thing of value that I can contribute is my body. I provide my body and soul up for tarnishing because I don’t feel like I can hold a conversation. I don’t see why any man/boy would want to be in my presence if it wasn’t sex related. I am so broken because I allow it. I try to dig myself out of this hole but then I always get pushed back in. You can only ignore something for so long before you have to face it. I choose to laugh, to be one of the guys,to crack jokes and make those sexual remarks. I hide it. All. I don’t want to be like this and that is why I decided to do this post. I cut myself when I was younger. On the belly, wrists, vagina and breasts. I did not want to be me. I did not want to be here. I did not want to be Athena – even then. She was broken. She was ashamed. She was different. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to be someone everyone liked but I wasn’t. I was a bitch. I am a bitch. I don’t get along with people because there is just too much. Too much everything. My depression has been replaced with failure. Failing at this mother gig. Failing to provide. Failing to make the right decisions at the right time. I choose to laugh. I choose to skim over or sweep under. I choose to pretend. I am ok. I will no longer be that girl who just cowers in the corner while life punches her in the chest. I will no longer be your side whore. I will value myself,because in valuing myself I am teaching my daughter that she is worth something. She is of value. She means something. It is ok to be different. It is ok to be you. Love you first. Put your dreams and goals and wishes right on the top of that list. You are important. Be independent and don’t make the same mistakes. Be somebody. Change the world and take no prisoners. It will take a while for me to slip out of my 26 year mentality. Constant reminders and daily affirmations. I will be ok. I am ok. It will be ok.

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Companionship

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I miss it. Just being needed and wanted by someone besides my daughter. I miss the kissing, the sex,the holding, the conversations. I miss being someone’s other. I miss the ups and downs. I’m not saying I want a relationship, I just want a someone. A someone to be there, to be a companion. I don’t know if any of you remember that date I went on last year? Well, I think deep down in the darkest and most unknown part of my body, I still like him. I think of him. Dream of him. Miss him. Not a longing kinda miss,just a ‘i miss talking to you and being random together’. I haven’t told him and I don’t plan on telling him because it’s not important. And I know I’m not ready, not ready to share myself with someone else yet,in that way atleast. I know that sentence completely contradicts what this blog is about but I do miss it though – companionship. On our date, he held me – it was awesome. To be held. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To just be held. No expectations. After going years without any adult physical contact. We kissed of course. The hug was the best. I could’ve stayed there forever, and I hate cuddling so you know for sure missed it. I could crawl back into those arms. I could crawl back into those eyes. I could crawl back into that kiss. I could crawl because after all this time,it’s going to take alot for me to start walking.

          I miss companionship. I miss being a someone.

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The Ban

Ok,that’s a bit much. Sounds hectic and it wasn’t. Last week Wednesday, I decided to get off social media for awhile and it is now (as I type) less than a week since I’ve made that decision. It is exactly 5 days since I made that decision.

Was it hard? Not really
Was it worth it? Yes

I will admit that I Instastalked on Saturday. Someone liked my pic and I was DYING to find out what pic they liked. I also relapsed on the WhatsApp side – I had to urgently send mother and father a message and then I chatted to my Uncle for a bit.

Did I want to check my Facebook while Insta relapsing? Not even a little bit.

I was on Facebook today but that’s coz I had to do something for the parentals. Also, I did blog,Pinterest and 9gag while I was on this ‘ban’. The ban was for things that I would be on CONSTANTLY – which was Facebook,Insta, WhatsApp and BBM. I also played games on my phone.

I will be honest, I didn’t really learn much but it was good. To not constantly feel the need to be available.

Would I do it again? Yes I would.
Do I think you should do it? Definitely

Good to be back though 👍

Series Saturday: 12 Monkeys

It’s still in the beginning phases,only episode 6 of season 1. It’s worth it though. It’s scyfy (think thats how people spell it). I’m not one for scyfy but this is good. There is a guy in there that I like – he is such a good actor but he is semi mediocre in this which is dissappointing. From the get go you hope that Cole finds what he needs. Episodr 6 is a tad bit boring,not the same juice as previous episodes. I’m going to watch episode 7 this weekend so I do hope that it’s alot of more juicy. Reminds me a bit of Orphan Black 😕

Do yourself a favour and check out the first 2 episodes. Get a feel for it. Let me know.

Have a great Saturday everybody!

Fun Fact Friday: Part Two

Hey! Two Fun Fact Fridays in one day – whoop! whoop!

I just realised something about myself…..I know I knew this all along but I hardly acknowledge it. Just something else that gets swept under the rug I guess.

People
Faces

I never really look at people’s faces. I look around them. Make sense?

If you know me,then you’ll know that my eyesight is pretty bad. From a certain distance I can’t even see facial features. My specs are for seeing far,so I’m short sighted right? Other than that, right in front of me I can see. I can perfectly see what I’m typing right now. But that board a few feet away? Can’t make out a damn thing.

Now, I don’t like it when people look at me in general and I hate it when they stare….it’s because I’m “pretty”

Which brings me back to what this post is actually about – I don’t look at people,like dead in the face. It’s almost like I glance over your features. Like I probably wouldn’t be able to accurately say what someone looks like without having seen a picture of them first. I think it’s because I don’t like being looked at, so I just don’t look at people. Especially first timers. Like people that I’ve known for more than a second,I know what they look like. I could easily explain what you look like,but first timers? Nope. I really do hope you’re one of the lucky ones….forever etched into my memory #creepalert . Anyway, here’s a pic of me, incase you forgot what I look like AND because I am just on par 🙂 #lookingphotoshopped #nophotoshop

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                 HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!!!!

Fun Fact Friday : The Decision

So you’re well aware that I will only be posting the instalments as per SUPERbusyMOM blog.
This Fun Fact Friday is about my week since I started this “no social media” thing (note it has only been 3 days)

Fun Facts Galore:
The decision was made on Wednesday, 18 February 2015 at aprroximately 2:30. It was decided,that at 3pm I would no longer be a social media whore
If you’re my friend on Facebook,you’ll know that there is no real part of my life that is hidden – ek deel alles
I DID NOT do this for Lent, it just happens to coincide. I’ve done it because it just felt right. No long drawn out thought process involved
I cut my tongue……on a sweet? with a sweet? I really don’t know how people deal with the pain of piercing their tongues
I have an interview – not overly excited but I know that change is needed. Super apprehensive
I still sit on my phone – to type my blog,listen to music and play games…..sometimes I go through my pics out of boredom
I accidently logged into Facebook,more than once. It’s such a normal part of my life that it just kinda instinctively happens
I wish I could update my status or post a question to the mommy group that I’m a part of
This is what I’m dealing with…..not many messages but you see that there is temptation and so far I’ve been strong. And I have a Facebook message aswell 😐

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I don’t know how long this is going to last but whether it’s a day or a month I really don’t mind. I know I’ll get whatever I need out of this…..whatever that might be

IMPORTANT NOTICE

If you’re ny Facebook friend or if you like my SUPERbusyMOM page on Facebook then you’ll know that, for the time being, the blog will only be updated with the instalments as per norm. No more random posts. This one is just to inform you that, for a while, the blog and the blogger will be on a hiatus.
All scheduled instalments will happen as per norm – I will not abandon you entirely.

Round-The-Bush

I am 26 years old and to this day,literally ; people cannot believe that I am from Mitchell’s Plain.

Comments I usually get?
You’re then so pretty
You don’t speak like you come from there
You’re then so white

Today, someone told me that they thought I’m from Rondebosch. To which I assured him that I can be very coloured when I want to.

As old as I am,many people can’t believe that someone that looks like me comes from a place like Mitchell’s Plain.
Now,there are times when I can’t believe it. You get these complete ghan chicks that make me embarassed to even be a female,let alone come form Mitchell’s Plain.
I know that all the apples/fruit or whatever get bunched together and in most cases I can see how people’s faces change when they hear that I am from Mitchell’s Plain. Like instant disklike.

I wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else though. I’m a ‘Plain girl through and through

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The Motherhood Diaries

Single motherhood is not easy. I am not saying that dual parenting is but atleast you have help.
No matter how sick I am. No matter how tired I am. I have to be there. I have to be alert and available. I have no back up parent. Yes, I have my parents but I am first and foremost in the firing line. I’m sick, she wants to be by me. She’s sick,she wants to be by me. I know that I’ve created my own bed and now I need to lie in it and I don’t mind because I know that in a few short years she’ll want nothing to with me and then I’ll want it back,I’ll miss her. So I’ve decided that the best thing to do is just to concentrate on me,concentrate on her. Love her with my all and let her irritate the hell outta me. I’m going to put off dating. I am finally ok with my decision because it’s not just a decision for me,it’s a decision for us.
I am not saying that I will never date. All I’m saying is that I will stop looking. I will not go on anymore dates. Not until I am ready,because in all honesty I am not……ready,that is.
If I was ready I would put in a bit more effort and I would be a bit more excited or atleast enthused.
I cannot be with someone when I don’t even want to be with myself – in reference to how I look naked.
I am just going to be her mother. I am going to be my person.
Studying. Working. Blogging. I am just going to do what needs to be done. I will be happy. I am happy.
I will love her with all of my heart, with all of my tired heart. I will live this life for the both of us and I will be successful. I will not allow her to feel any less loved because she comes from a single parent household. She will always know her true value. She will always know her true worth.
I am going to be everything and more that I can be for this little girl and she will be my all.

I am a single mother. By choice. My choice