Mad

I’m still mad
Angry
I feel like I was made to apologise (even though I did so on my own) and he is just living his life
No apology needed for saying that he is going to bury his sister
Yes,I do get it that he is the favourite child but are you being serious😮 
Is there no consequence for treating someone like a piece of shit that ants won’t even touch!
I really feel like I need to say something but will they even care? 
What are they going to do exactly?
Why do I have to voice something that should be so damn evident?!
As parents or guardians or whatever,you should demand an apology!

I don’t want your apology – I jusg want you to admit your stubborness and say ” I was wrong”

NOT SO DAMN HARD!

Life

All my life I’ve been told one simple thing : ALWAYS BE THE BIGGER PERSON.

This,of course,is in no reference to my actual height as an individual but to situations I might face.

“Always be the bigger person Athena”

Always turn the other cheek and don’t sink to their level

“Always show them you are better Athena”

Don’t let the negative remarks or comments get to you

Now, mind you I have no problem with ‘being the bigger person’ but it does get frustrating at some point of 26 years because I am NEVER allowed to freak out. Internally yes but I dare not freak out externally,or as they say ‘on the outside’

I was never allowed,even very recently,to show that a situation was affecting. Hell,I wasn’t even allowed to retaliate #favouriteword

I was always just expected to show up and play ball.
I was never able to fully deal with a situation because I was to remain calm at all times and I was never given the opportunity to just shout or even just give the person the death stare.

My friend told me,a very good friend, ” there is a fine line between being the bigger person and being walked over”

Arguments & Apologies

This post is about that…..Arguments & Apologies….just that
I had a good long chat with a friend of mine who believes that I am owed an apology
He believes that I should demand respect and not let anyone just walk all over me
I thought about it – about what he said…..and cried,by myself; as I psycho analyzed the entire situation and how,even though I consider myself the ‘black sheep’ of the family,how, despite all of that I am worthy
Why should I always have to apologise even when I’m not wrong?
Here I sit,waiting for an apology,knowing it won’t happen because you are just too damm proud to admit that you did something wrong
I doubt you apologised to your wife when you hit her in your drunken rage?
Will you apologise to the next girl?
Will you apologise for the inappropriate comments? The obscene gestures?
NO! Because you are too damn proud
Pride killed many a men, and it is slowly bringing you down
What makes you think you are better than me? To call me a p***, a n***. To tell me that you’ll basically own my ass out on the streets.
You forget,I was there. That time you needed something,I was there. When you needed someone to cover for you, I was there.
No questions asked. Just doing my duty.

Yet you fail at doing yours,protecting me.

The Weekend

And no,it’s not that dude that sings that song.
WOW,it was eventful jy…….drama drama drama.

This weekend consisted of a party and a fight (and yes there was drinking involved)

Our German exchange student is going home tomorrow so we had a lunch party thing for him yesterday. And then,my brother and I had a fight. I’m talking WWE style bra. Pushing and shouting and, of course my lame ass was crying.
Brother bear was all in my face and then I pushed him and started shouting ‘Hit me man!’
Brother bear then proceeded to tell me,infront of the parentals, *excuse the Afrikaans* “Jy gaan ses voet ses le” AND “My parents raised me right but when I’m out on the streets dan gaan jy grond toe gaan”

Shocked? Rightfully so.

I’ve obviously had time to think AND he doesn’t respect me. Not even a little. No matter how drunk he was (he was the only drunkie there) there is absolutely no respect there. He just doesn’t. Even sober he doesn’t and it’s kinda sad that my big bro doesn’t respect me. And yet,he expects other men to treat me right and with respect. How is another man suppose to respect me when my brother can’t seem to muster up the respect and love he is supposed to have,that is supposed to be instilled in him? Like all doting and what not.

Not many of you know this but there was suppose to be 3 of us. My mother had a miscarriage before she had me and I’ve always told her that she should’ve just stopped. She should never have had me. I really do consider myself the black sheep of the family.

Now,I told my Uncle (we’ve become quite close lately) and he was shocked. Even asked me,over and over,”Your brother said that to you?”

I guess he comes from a place of love and respect. Like I know that he would never dare speak to my mother or aunt like that. As old as he is,he would get a beating.

Also,I am who I am.

I am loud,obnoxious,bitchy,sarcastic and some other things that I’m sure my friends could mention.

But that’s just it – that’s just me, and not to toot my own horn  BUT if you are privileged,hell even honoured enough to know the real Athena,the real me then you will know that that is me.

I am all of this and more and I am finally fuckin comfortable. It’s taken me 26 years so get to this place of happiness and now I have to go back to being ‘the best behaved’.

Know this,I will pretend because I have no choice but you will be feeling left out because while I’m being me with everyone else I’ll have no choice but to be someone else,someone I hate with you.