We Love You Pa

The 8th of May was the first time I wrote about losing you. Today we said goodbye.

We were granted, by the grace of God, a few more precious months where we were able to savour every waking moment with you.

I had plans today, to come and see you. Talk to you a bit and sing you our favorite song. You wouldn’t let me. You passed away 30 minutes after midnight, an hour after I fell asleep. Like some cruel joke. I woke up to the anguished cries of my mother and I knew. I just knew. I just sat on the edge of the bed, not knowing what to do. Eventually getting up to comfort her, but where were my tears? Have I already grieved you? What an injustice! I sit here now, 3 hours or so after hearing the news, showered, hair clean and dressed, not knowing what to do with myself. Not tired enough to go sleep and so restless that I’m walking around, aimlessly.

We will miss you Pa. We do miss you. I will be forever grateful for the role you played in my life and that of my child.

Soar among the birds, safe in the arms of your Father.

It is harder to lose someone you’ve come to love than to lose someone you know to love

Adulting | The time I shat my pants

Come close and let me tell you about the time I shat my pants

2 days into 2018

It was hilariously awkward and embarrassing to admit but makes for a somewhat good story

As you know, I do a lot of sponsored posts and this one time, I was planning to get healthier with the help of Herbalfix and the owner, Lauren, warned me of the side effects. She warned me of constant peeing and hard pee’s. You know what a hard pee is right? Well, that’s what I was expecting. To pee. Which is not unusual because I drink 3 litres of water a day so am pretty accustomed to frequent bathroom breaks.

This was not the case. I shat my pants. My work pants, nonetheless.

I remember I just started the Herbalfix routine and it was only day number 2 and also my first day back at work. I came home, knew I had to go to the toilet but thought I had “enough time”, only to feel as if I was about to burst. Now I don’t know if I have no control over my bowels but by the time I got to the toilet and pulled down my pants, my plain white panty was already covered in shit.

The smell!

I did not have time, like you do, to be disgusted with myself because I still had more shit inside that needed to exit my body and I was not about to mess on the floor.

I sat, continued to shit while I tried, in vain, to roll up my shit filled pants and panty while contemplating just chucking it all in the bin but I knew I had to wash it. With my hands.

Parenting. Apparently. Prepares you for shit soaked anything.

I washed my goods and told the story to my dad, who laughed. I messaged Lauren to ask her if this was “normal” and her only words were “listen to your body”.

Now, I’m back on Herbalfix and enjoying the regular time I get to spend with the toilet, like 3 times a day. It opens my bowels, does something of the thin kind to my face and makes me feel like I’m getting somewhere with my body without actually working out; which I need to do by the way.

*Herbalfix currently has an online special. Buy 2 boxes of Herbalfix for R799 and get a 3rd box free.

5 Ingredient Brownie Recipe

I don’t want to get ahead of myself and say that this is foolproof but it kinda is.


1 cup cocoa powder

2 cups sugar

5 tablespoons butter

1 cup flour

2 eggs

Quarter cup milk

Preheat oven to 200 degrees

Combine all ingredients and mix

Decant into a baking dish (don’t forget your spray and cook) and bake for 25 – 35 minutes

Once done baking, let sit for 10 minutes before cutting

For this batch, I mixed some milk and about 4 teaspoons of Nutella together, warmed in the microwave for a few seconds, stirred and then applied to the top of my Brownies

Doubt You Even Noticed

I didn’t tell you about the time I wanted to punch you in the tit because I also just needed to have my voice be heard

I didn’t tell you about the time I wanted to scream because everyone kept looking through me

Let me tell you now;

I waited and waited to tell you I was pregnant, with Zineah; because at the time you were dealing with another married couple’s problem and I didn’t want to add to the stress

I wanted to tell you earlier, before I started showing; hell, even before I was 4 months along and fatter

It was noticeable, I know that but what was I meant to do?

In the middle of your stress and struggle, just blurt out that I was expecting a child?

And out of wedlock nogals

Not exactly the life you had planned for me

Everyone in the family always looks past me, and as I near the big 3 – 0, I’ve realised that no one has ever bothered to have a real discussion with me


Not Zineah

My mental state

I came home yesterday, with a raging headache and not one person looked at me twice

I forced a smile as I greeted because I know, that now, you are AGAIN dealing with another married couple’s problems

And you’re busy right?

Always busy

Never 5 minutes

My headache made me want to cry but I did not

I never do

Why? I don’t have the time

There are too many people, too many things, too many situations

That need me to be strong and around



I won’t tell you about the dreams I’ve been having lately

Anxiety dreams, I believe

To the build up of a year that we were burglared

15 September

I will never forget that day

Yes, I am ok ; but am I really “that” ok?

No one knows

My dreams

They are about death on an extremely gruesome scale

I dream about death by shotgun and gas explosion where people are decapitated and blown to pieces

I dream about being kidnapped and trying to fight about

I have extreme anxiety of open doors and I am hyper alert

Fearing to walk into a darkened room, for fear that there might be someone around the corner waiting to attack

Visualing situations where I act like the heroin to save my child, how I come out with battle scars and have everyone be proud of me

No one ever scared that I wouldn’t make it because I’m me, right

This is my come back to social media and my blog ; I have been gone for a while

Doubt you even noticed

Happy Birthday Kid

For 6 years I have held the privileged title of Mother, because of you. Today, you celebrate 6 years on this Earth and I celebrate 6 years of knowing someone like you. An infectious laughter, a rhythmic soul and a personality to boot. You possess the power to light up a room with your smile and silence a critic with a stare. You have been dealt your fair share of heartache in your short life and you always come out on top. You are opinionated and not afraid to speak your mind. You have a theatrical spirit and you never stop moving. Not even in your sleep. Your smile could soften the hardest heart and your hug could ease the World’s hurt. You, my dear, are a true blessing and I would not have it any other way. May the Lord continue to bless you and may you continue to shine His light in this sometimes dark world. Shine bright my little munkeeto!