The 8th of May was the first time I wrote about losing you. Today we said goodbye. We were granted, by the grace of God, a few more precious months where we were able to… More
I didn’t tell you about the time I wanted to punch you in the tit because I also just needed to have my voice be heard
I didn’t tell you about the time I wanted to scream because everyone kept looking through me
Let me tell you now;
I waited and waited to tell you I was pregnant, with Zineah; because at the time you were dealing with another married couple’s problem and I didn’t want to add to the stress
I wanted to tell you earlier, before I started showing; hell, even before I was 4 months along and fatter
It was noticeable, I know that but what was I meant to do?
In the middle of your stress and struggle, just blurt out that I was expecting a child?
And out of wedlock nogals
Not exactly the life you had planned for me
Everyone in the family always looks past me, and as I near the big 3 – 0, I’ve realised that no one has ever bothered to have a real discussion with me
My mental state
I came home yesterday, with a raging headache and not one person looked at me twice
I forced a smile as I greeted because I know, that now, you are AGAIN dealing with another married couple’s problems
And you’re busy right?
Never 5 minutes
My headache made me want to cry but I did not
I never do
Why? I don’t have the time
There are too many people, too many things, too many situations
That need me to be strong and around
I won’t tell you about the dreams I’ve been having lately
Anxiety dreams, I believe
To the build up of a year that we were burglared
I will never forget that day
Yes, I am ok ; but am I really “that” ok?
No one knows
They are about death on an extremely gruesome scale
I dream about death by shotgun and gas explosion where people are decapitated and blown to pieces
I dream about being kidnapped and trying to fight about
I have extreme anxiety of open doors and I am hyper alert
Fearing to walk into a darkened room, for fear that there might be someone around the corner waiting to attack
Visualing situations where I act like the heroin to save my child, how I come out with battle scars and have everyone be proud of me
No one ever scared that I wouldn’t make it because I’m me, right
This is my come back to social media and my blog ; I have been gone for a while
Doubt you even noticed
For 6 years I have held the privileged title of Mother, because of you. Today, you celebrate 6 years on this Earth and I celebrate 6 years of knowing someone like you. An infectious laughter, a rhythmic soul and a personality to boot. You possess the power to light up a room with your smile and silence a critic with a stare. You have been dealt your fair share of heartache in your short life and you always come out on top. You are opinionated and not afraid to speak your mind. You have a theatrical spirit and you never stop moving. Not even in your sleep. Your smile could soften the hardest heart and your hug could ease the World’s hurt. You, my dear, are a true blessing and I would not have it any other way. May the Lord continue to bless you and may you continue to shine His light in this sometimes dark world. Shine bright my little munkeeto!
Today was grandparents day at school and I noticed one thing in the pictures and videos that were shared.
I noticed one thing as went to swimming lesson this evening.
My child. Unfortunately. Has been cursed with my anxiety and lack of confidence. I am almost 30 years old and only now am I almost 100% confident. I do not want that for her. To have to wait 20 odd years to feel or be confident. She’ll be 6 years old next week, she should already be confident. Flying across the monkey bars and diving head first into the deep end. She should not feel anything than less than confident and capable.
My social anxiety and awkwardness stems from me always being a homebody, always finding comfort in a warm bed and good read.
She, on the other hand is a social butterfly, in the right situation, with a crowd of people she knows.
She should not have to suffer at the hands of my life long disease.
Is it because I push her to say hello to people when entering a room?
Is it because I treat her like a semi tween?
Is it because I have started giving her responsibilities?
What is it that I am doing that is giving my child the anxiety that causes her to bite her skin from her fingertips? What can I do to help? How do I help?
How can I became a less anxiety me and a more there for her mother?
Do I helicopter too much?
Should I just have another child so that she can feel less pressurized?
What is it that is causing my child, my 6 year old child, to physically harm herself.
What is it that I have done wrong?
And just like that, we are dealt a blow, an impending death in the family
Yes,it happens to all of us but yet, we never expect it to happen to us
Last night, we were told to visit my grandfather (on my mother’s side) and say our goodbyes as it was only a matter time
We knew it was coming, well atleast I did and in true Athena fashion I tried to play it off, make a light hearted joke of it when in reality it is crushing.
Seeing someone you’ve known your whole life, who you’ve grown up loving and respecting, just lay there. Unable to breathe. Unable to talk. Barely able to keep his eyes open.
What I will treasure, amongst the solemn faces and teary eyes, are the times I spent with him. Taking him and my grandmother for breakfast, taking him to collect his pension money, watching as how, through his pains, he still managed to be a great grandfather to Zineah. I will cherish that. Him. Memories.
I will never forget the kindness he showed and how he was able to take any of my sarcastic comments and turn them right around on me. Whatever he was going through, he remained faithful to Christ and he remained thankful.
Ha! He always hated when I made him sit infront by me, when I constantly asked, “you need help?”, as he walked. He wasn’t a prideful man but he didn’t want to be treated like a sickly one, even though, often times he was.
Zineah was with for the goodbye, she wanted to pray for him but there were too many eyes. We will go back every night before he passes. It pains me to see him like that though. Let someone on their death bed never be your lasting memory of them.
Zineah cried in the car. I think it was too much for her. A few hours before the goodbye, I got to speak to my grandfather on the phone and that was the worst sound I could’ve ever imagined. As my parents left the house to go visit my grandfather, I sat Zineah down and tried my best to have the death talk with my almost 6 year old. Less than 15 minutes after the goodbye, she cried. Quietly. As if ashamed. I told her, that we are all sad. We all cry and it is ok. I will take her with me every night until his passing and I will continue to ask her to pray for him (her idea initially) so that that may provide her with some comfort.
We love you Pa ❤️
You have made an impact in this life and you will forever live on in our hearts 💔
I am happy being single
I feel like I don’t need to justify that but here I am, typing, trying to convince you that at almost 30 ; I am happy
Do I wish I had a bit of help with my daughter? Hell yeah
To I treasture that for the next year or so, before she wants nothing to do with me, I get to have her all to myself? Of freaking course
I have always been an introvert. I once had a friend drag me out of bed at 3am to go to a party; a week before I was meant to leave for London
I don’t like going out and doing things,I would much rather sit in bed and read a book
Sit in a park
Sit in a cafe
Watch a movie
I like being single
It suits me
Who I am
I only go out and do things because an almost 6 year old should not be subjected to my introverted-ness
I have a friend who is pushing (hahaha sarcasm, not really) for me to get married by 30, because that’s the dream right?
Get married, pop out a few more babies before 35 and grow old gracefully
I have been single since Novmber 2013, that’s almost a full 6 years
That is a really long time, like longer than anyone ever thought but here I am , single and happy
I get to go where I want, do what I want and I don’t have to report to anyone
I am working on me for me
Marriage does appeal to me
Wedding expo’s do give me a feeling of “when me?” but still this “freedom” of being single is more than enough for me
I love babies
I love weddings
and I will always be your number one supporter but I am not ready to get married, I am not ready for more babies and I am not ready for love lesser than my God
I have my parents, my daughter and my family
There is not much else I need in this life
Well them and a good book!